THE LOST LETTERS
The true Testimony Book of My Life
(Translated and edited from Finnish original book "Kadonneet kirjeet", ISBN nbr 978-952-498-761-5)
Writer: Elisabeth Hälinen (pen name Elisabeth M)
I look out of the window wistfully on a Saturday morning in September. The birches are already partially yellowing and the wind is waving its foliage as desired. There are yellow and orange-red small shrubs on the ground that somehow take comfort in the color when the sky is evenly gray.
Turning to the
old, beloved mirror cabinet creates a lower shelf, and I'll take the box, into which
I hid all the letters that I have written over the years. The atmosphere is
somehow holy. Those letters are written with love, some of them very long ago.
I haven’t sent any of them. It feels like I can’t open those letters. Still, I
know it’s time to get back to them looking for answers to the emotional storm in
my life.
Letter 1 (November 6, 1993)
Dear God!
I woke up at
night as it crawled up into my body from the bottom of my legs. When it was
caught higher, I heard that creepy sound from somewhere in my stomach. The
sound was like the most horrific of beasts; low and hollow, like the mad groan
of a rapist as he enters violently to body. I felt within me the presence of
that evil, satan. I sensed its ugliness and monster on every cell of mine. It
was like a hybrid of a wolf, a bear, and a dragon. I paralyzed. My eyes looked
at the ceiling without seeing anything, my mouth was trying to scream for help.
I grabbed the edge of my bed with my hands to get up. Satan was powerful and
heavy when it held me in place. My brain was still working somehow. I knew I
had to do something, and I had to do it right away!
A silent prayer
arose from my soul, “Jesus,
save me!” With my last strength, I was able to
pull myself up, while crying for help from God, Jesus, in my dark room. Despair
and hope wrestled in my mind like a storm. Waking up, I begged for life, crying
and praying. Then, suddenly, satan broke away from me. I felt it detached from
my body. It was quiet now.
I shifted my
gaze to my left side to my little son, who was sleeping next to me just that
night. My four-year-old little angel. I made a sign of the cross upon him and
prayed God to help him and to protect him from that evil. I did all that,
realizing I had to do it. He was quite motionless, I thought he was asleep. He
might have heard that terrible sound from his mother's stomach. I was not sure.
He could have paralyzed as well, I couldn´t wake him up. The moment was unreal.
I knelt on my
knees on the floor, next to my bed. I trembled and sniffled, shook - and
listened. I was still afraid to hear that sound again. I crossed my hands for
safety´s sake and prayed even more. I didn't understand anything at all. I made
sure at that moment that my son was asleep, or so I thought at the time. I got
up groping and turned on the lights in each room. Now I had to go for a
cigarette! I couldn’t step on my balcony, I was too scared. I lit my cigarette
with a vibrating hand under the kitchen hood. Gray cigarette butts rose toward
the ceiling when my fan wasn’t working properly. There was no way I could make
sense of what happened. I pinched myself - I wasn’t asleep. I was confused by
my experience. It was true. It really happened to me. I still remembered how satan´s
presence felt. A frightening slab on my stomach, like a concrete tombstone on me
and filling my mind with horror.
I walked into
the living room and collapsed on my couch. Its soft green and beige shades
tried to comfort me. I looked around as if seeking help. My heart was beating
and my breathing was intermittent. I let my gaze stop at the old travel coffin
table. I had received it from my parents few years ago. It was made in the 17th
century and breathes an ancient atmosphere with its iron handles and corners. I
fumbled with my hand towards it and got up next to it. I pressed my head on its
worn surface and let the crying come. As if it had been accustomed to take
man's sorrows and fears into account in the past. So even now it was able to
absorb all the fears and evils that my tears told it. Finally, after
intermittent breaths and tears, my soul scratched, I finally looked up. On the wall,
above the travel coffin table, hung a picture that had become so dear to me
over the years. I had once bought it from a poster seller in Helsinki. I fell
in love with it, so I let put a glass plate and beautiful frames on it in the
art gallery. It depicted lovers who were like in heaven. Touching each other
tenderly, giving everything to each other. True Love. That was on my mind when
I bought that picture. The original work is a sculpture named “Amore e Psiche”
by Antonio Canova. I hoped, that one day I could experience something similar
once, just as breathtaking and beautiful. Now I wondered with blurred eyes
where I could find someone to tell me about this night. Someone who would
comfort and take me in his arms, fondle my hair, kiss the trembling of fear
from my lips, and look into my eyes with comfort and love. However, I was
alone.
As the morning
raised its orange color to the sky, I ventured to my balcony. I pulled cool air
into my lungs and squeezed the railings with my knuckles white. Winter was just
coming. It was November. The icy moisture in my fingers woke me up to take my
grip off the railing. With my gaze I sought refuge from the sky, among the
delicate clouds. In vain. With my hands clenched, I searched my jacket pocket
for my cigarettes. I lit one and tried to fight nausea. I had smoked too much,
almost 30 cigarettes at least. It was too much. The events of the night were too
much, as well.
I was left to
look at the yard of the nursery school opposite, its swings and the sandbox.
From the morning mist, my eyes began to perceive something. That something
moved and was like a white horse. Unbelieving my eyes, I turned off my
cigarette and was left to marvel at the play unfolding in front of me. The
creature looked at me gently with its dark eyes and moved a little. It was
beautiful. I tried to peek over my shoulder to see if there were other people
on the move at the time. Not anyone. The hero of that sight seemed to gradually
disappear somewhere in the mist, leaving me as an owl on my balcony. Somehow,
however, that vision encouraged me.
Thanking you from
your help and trusting in you God,
love Elisabeth
Letter 2
(November 20, 1993)
My dear son,
It’s so hard for
me to tell you why Mom is here in the hospital now. You are so young yet, only four
years old. I would like to start by saying that it is good for me to be here. Mother
has to sleep a lot for some time.
I haven't slept
as well as here for a long time! The hospital’s aunts and uncles also give me
medicine so I can sleep better. I hope you come to visit me with grandma and grandpa soon. Mom misses you so much! Fortunately, I know that you are considered to
have real good care of while I'm here. Don’t worry in vain about why mom
sometimes cried at home. I just had a lot of worries. I'll tell you better when
you get older.
Lift your head,
my darling! You are mom's own dear, always!
See you soon!
Love, mum
Letter 3 (December 10, 1993)
Dear mother and
father,
thank you both
for being with my son while I was in the hospital. I know you are short of
money, and that in recent weeks you have been required to do more than many
others. I ask you to understand my situation. I can't tell you what I have yet.
It’s so hard for myself, too. In short, I can say that I have experienced
revolutionary and special events in recent times. However, the doctors don’t
understand me when I try to explain my situation to them. They think that I
have gone through psychosis. I don’t believe it myself because I know what
happened. Doctors think that everything that cannot be explained by common
sense is mental illness. For that, they have all sorts of compartmentalizing patterns,
like psychosis. However, I know that I wouldn’t be able to sleep without sleeping
pills, so I am grateful to have them.
Sleep is a
luxury for me. I have fears at night that I cannot sleep even with medication
anymore, and because of that I sleep during the day. In addition, I am forced
to eat some psychiatric medication that causes my eyes to be half-rod. I look
awful! Even my forehead is full of some pimples, apparently just because of
that medication. After this, I will probably have a long sick leave.
Fortunately, I get to rest and think about my things in peace. One day I will let
you know what happened. Now I just want to forget the fears and hope for the
best of tomorrow.
And now, that my
divorce is almost clear, I will continue my life with my son, hoping the future
would bring light into our lives. There was so much sorrow and pain in my life
before, that it was the best result to divorce.
Thanksgiving,
Elisabeth
Letter 4
(December 15, 1993)
My dear soulmate,
I came here to a
psychiatric hospital on my own initiative. I could no longer sleep. My thoughts
revolved around a thousand and a hundred, it was hard to stop to think about
something out of the ordinary. Don't be scared, I haven't gone crazy. Something
unexpected and terrible just happened to me last month. I will not be able to
tell it now in this letter, but I promise to explain about it when I see you.
Hopefully we will have a chance to meet. I got better with sleeping pills, so
now I’m feeling better. I also have to eat some psychiatric drugs that I wouldn´t
like to.
I wish I could
really talk to you. Only you would be able to be objective and listen in such a
way, that I think you would surely understand my situation. Somehow, I feel
that way. Even though we haven’t had possibility to talk, I feel like I’ve
always been looking for a man like you in my life. A man who would be my best
friend at the same time.
I didn´t dare to
talk about this here in the hospital. I think they would condemn me for being
schizophrenic or something, because they can’t understand that there can be
creepy traumas which can put a person completely out of place. This cannot be
dealt with in any medical way, in no way. And there are no psychiatrists or
therapists here, which is weird! Not to mention soul healers. This is
reportedly just a first aid place, for an acute situation. There is no first
aid for the creepy traumas, and the person is left alone with one´s thoughts
and fears. I just wait until I get out of here. After that, I can apply for
therapy. This is the kind of thing I cannot deal with alone. Maybe some Christian
person could help me. I went to see the hospital priest today, but I didn’t
dare ask anything really when there were others. I just wait for repatriation.
The doctor
thinks I've been in a psychosis. My loved ones also consider this as a
“disease”. However, I dare to say to you that I'm here because of what happened
to me. That led to this. Perhaps previous events in my workplace and at home
have also been affecting into it. I remember, for example, when as a little
girl I was alone at home for some reason in the evening and I was watching TV.
In the middle of the show, the TV erupted like a big ball of yarn, high up to
the ceiling, full of knots, trying to suck and suffocate me. I remember that a
lot of evil came out of that ball to my consciousness at the same time. I ran
into the kitchen screaming hysterically and rushed to sit on the dining table.
Then black out. I do not remember anything. It could have happened so, that the
neighbor downstairs had come to me, or my parents back home. I didn´t say nor
talk anything about this happening later, because I didn’t even remember
anything about it when I was a child. Until much later, as an adult. Perhaps
that “ball of yarn” came to me now, at least a part of it, to figure it out
now. Everything happens in time. Everything has its purpose. There have also
been other strange events in my life, even recently. I’m not paranoid, but I do
understand things that are different. Maybe this is “guidance” from God to face
all those frightening things in my life?
There are
different people here. Some are on their own, others are real friendly and
talkative. I've looked at a few people and have noticed that they are in fact
very smart. Time to different life stories I have heard, real tough. After all,
the world doesn't want to understand them. For the world, hard experiences are
a “disease” it doesn’t want to know more about. If the world can’t help in that
situation, it’s easier to keep those people “mentally ill”.
There is a
charming tobacco shed in the courtyard, as if surrounded by Japanese plants and
shrubs. I sit there quite often with a cigarette, waiting for a boring time to
pass. So, I have been smoking more than 25 cigarettes a day. It’s not a good
thing, but I’ll stop when this is all over, if I can.
I hope you could
visit me. Although just after work? A couple of my friends have already
visited, and my parents and son, of course. You are the only person I could
tell everything. However, if you don’t want to come, I’ll try to understand
that too. After all, it’s weird that something like this can happen to anybody.
I have been in the eye of the storm in my life. I need to realize and learn
something I don’t understand yet. That is why I ask you to be patient so that
you will listen and understand my story, at least some day.
Now the bell
rings for evening medicine. I'm going to get my own dose. I hope you are not
scared when you see me. My eyes are half closed due to psychiatric medication
and the speech mosses a bit. I can´t help it. I´ve already informed the nurses
about the side effects, and I understand that my medicine is going to be
changed.
I wish you a
Merry Christmas and good health anyway. I'll wait for your call or visit.
With love,
Elisabeth
Letter 5
(January 3, 1994)
My God,
I got to be home
on the Christmas holidays. My son was with my parents at the front door to meet
me. I crunched my son in my armpit and let it cry. It's nice to be home! The
smell of homemade coffee filled the kitchen and I felt like I was living a real
life again. I didn’t really know where to start and what to do first.
Everything felt like I was at a standstill during my stay in the hospital.
Fortunately, my son has taken so calmly what happened. Children have the kind
of comprehension skills that we adults sometimes lack.
It felt relaxing
in the sauna and eating well. I also went to Christmas church. It felt so good
to hear the Christmas gospel that I bit my lip that I wouldn’t have burst into
tears. I'm starting to think little by little the divine things. Everything
that has happened to me has happened for some reason.
I still remember
walking down the road between the bus station and the parking lot in early
November. The first snow had rained. I had been going to the library, but then
I noticed strange patterns in the snow-covered country. My eyes bursted open
when I realized there were no shoe marks around, just patterns. The patterns
were like hearts with initials in the middle. They didn't tell me anything. I
didn't know them. How could it have been possible? I continued my walk,
examining the signs on the ground. They guided me towards the church house. I
concluded that for some reason I had to go there. I was welcomed very warmly.
Everyone was so kind that I felt like I belonged in something. The rehearsal of
the choir had just begun in the hall. I went to sit on a bench behind a few
other listeners. Heavenly music now flooded to my ears from the front - the
sound of a male bass perpetuated in my heart, opening the gates that had been
stuck for so long and tears streamed down on my cheeks. I realized at that
moment that I had lived like in emptiness. I would get bread for my future from
God! I should have found it here a long time ago.
However, I didn´t
embark on the heavenly path I found very immediately. It came November the 6th,
and everything changed. Now I'm here, like the Phoenix bird, reborn. Sensitive
and curious, looking for my chances to find a new meaning to my life.
This has been a
lesson to me in finding the right path. Until now, I had swinged in middle ways,
thinking that I was a good person. However, that was not enough. I’ve been
guided by the slightest variety of coincidences lately. Like implying that
happiness and joy would already be at the door. I just had to find the most
important thing to get my life on track. Now I understand why I had to face satan.
So that I can cry out for the most powerful God - Christ Jesus!
Love,
Elisabeth
Letter 6 (April
25, 1994)
My dear soulmate,
I've seen you
every now and then. However, you don’t want to chat anymore, like you used to.
You look at me as a stranger. Your eyes don’t laugh and you’re always in a
hurry. Maybe I misunderstood your words and the gaze of your eyes in the past.
Maybe you didn’t mean your words when you said you wanted to marry me. You also
wanted to set up a home with me and have children with me, so I understood. I
couldn’t answer you then because I was probably in a happy shock. And I was
living at a very difficult situation at that time. It wasn’t until the next day
that I realized what you had told me. It was already too late then for you. You
just said that we should continue in the same way, each one like it used to be.
It was shocking to hear that in the other end of the phone handset, and I
answered quietly that okay.
I've started to
keep you as a secret soulmate friend. I will tell my thoughts in my mind and as
if I hear how You give your advice while sitting next to me. It’s my way of
coping with this loneliness, I guess. Doctors call all this psychosis. I dare
not tell them all of this nor of my fears because they would not understand. I
believe deep in my heart that You would understand. I’m going to get over this,
and I have a feeling that all the weird and scary things in my life will come
to an end, though, with God’s help.
I remain quietly
waiting for your contact, hoping that one day you would still like to meet me and
discuss with me of all those happened issues we lost together.
Hoping,
Elisabeth
Letter 7
(November 26, 1994)
My dear friend,
last year has
been a real tough experience for me. I have been to therapy regularly, but I feel
that this psychologist would look at my forehead like it would be glued to the
word "crazy"! She just listens and waits for me to say something. I
can’t help it, but I just begin to almost sleep whenever I'm there. I’m telling
something about “Him” (the man I love) because I don’t really know how to explain
to this psychologist about my fears. It feels like she has already decided that
this is all just a disease. I understand, everyone close to me has said that as
if I eat my medicine regularly, you´ll be okey. However, I know that these fears
cannot be eliminated by any medication! In my own opinion, I am still living in
a post-traumatic time, and it feels like I just wouldn’t be able to think of
those “ordinary” human problems that many persons have. Don’t people at all notice
that they’re actually lucky when they are able “sleep” for example, which seems
to be really hard for me. Or not to be afraid of night-creeping voices and
demons, not to mention worse. Hopefully my feeling will improve, at least
little by little. It is only raging to be alone now. It would be wonderful to
have a husband to share my thoughts and fears with. Fortunately, however, I
have my son! I don't know how to cope alone. He is the joy of my days!
I invite you to
coffee at the same time now, even in the middle of next month. I will bake
Christmas cakes! Let's agree the date later!
Elisabeth
Letter 8 (October 28, 1995)
Dear God,
something
horrible happened! I just walked home from our parking lot. I had been in sauna
by one of my relatives. The evening was already gloomy and no one seemed to be
on the move. Next to the alley that leads to my apartment is a building on and
on the other side there is a heavy forest. Halfway through the alley, I heard a
sound of a beast coming from the forest, just four feet away. It sounded the
same as at night 1993 at home! Now it just really sounded louder. Its sound was
like a lurking big beast trying to paralyze its prey with horror. The voice
stopped my thoughts completely. I heard it moved forward in the bush at the
same pace as my legs somehow flexed to take more steps. I closed my mind from
fear. Now, under no circumstances should I go running! After all, the beast
attacks the fleeing prey immediately. Fortunately, I had watched nature
programs enough to know this fact. I kept my mind completely empty. I continued
to walk at the same pace, looking for the key in my bag with my hands. The
lower door would be locked at this time. The beast growled and sounded creepy
all the time. I didn't want to think anything. I kept realizing the horror of
the situation, but something made me realize its seriousness as well, and I
acted accordingly. I should not panic now. In my mind, I only counted the
meters to the lower door. My key was in my hand, just waiting to get to the
door. Finally, I pushed the key inside the lock. It didn't go right away! I
could still hear that sound from the woods. I really didn’t dare to look at it.
I didn’t see that beast. I gritted my teeth together and gently pushed my key Pacific
calmly into place. At lightning speed, I pulled myself into the hallway. In
security!
After running up
the stairs and catching the front door, I locked myself inside with safety
chains. I finally gasped for breath in my hallway. I was thinking about the past
happenings, and again, I didn’t realize that this could really be happening. My
God, why? I do not think I've ever done anything so wrong, that You would like
to test me like this. And I knew You wouldn´t do anything bad to anyone. I also
wonder if I had enemies who would want to scare me so brutally. I thought
technically that it would probably be possible if a wire had been installed in
the forest with a microphone hanged on that, if pulled, would have sounded
real. Or that sound was really some awful creature. Satan? I was unable to
deduce which one I believed more.
I am now taking
a couple of sleeping pills and trying to get some sleep. I pray to You, my God,
to help me. I will try my best to hold on You. I just don’t know what I should
still do to get over this nightmare. You know that I've seen the horror-dreams
of the past. I have hoped they would run out already. I am also afraid of the
dark. I've always been afraid of it. I saw a couple of horror movies at about
six years old. The “Night Story” was their name. My parents didn’t know I was
watching the same movie at the same time through the bedroom glass door as they
were. Of course, I didn’t realize at that age that they were just made for TV.
I looked at them as if hypnotized till the end. I did not dare to leave without
looking, because I was afraid to go to bed alone. Eyes stood on my head in fear
as plates. After the program, I quietly went to my bed and didn’t dare to tell
my parents that I was watching them. I didn’t understand why they wanted to look
at something so awful. In bed, I hoped Santa would bring me a light pink
princess costume on the chair next to my bed. The little girl just knew nothing
more than to hope for a beautiful dress and the life of a princess in exchange
for the horror stories. And that little girl didn´t know about God at that
time. She didn’t have anyone to talk to about the fears back then, except
Santa. It was as if that safe home was gone, and the land beneath its feet
disappeared, because even mum and dad were watching that horror movie.
I have not
received that dress till this day. But my God, I believe you heard the pain of
my little girl´s heart at that time. And I feel like all the things in my past
are like they’ve come to be addressed now, in my adulthood. You want that. You
will make it up for me, I know.
My dear God, let
me have oblivion of my nightmares. I still wish, like a little girl, that some
miraculous thing would make me tear away from this worldly hell. I haven't
earned this.
God, I pray for
peace of mind. Amen.
Elisabeth
Letter 9
(November 7, 1995)
My dear friend,
I am now on sick
leave. I haven't been able to sleep for many days. I'm tired all the time. I'm
so tired - gray-white face in the mirror shows lonely eyes of sadness.
Something horrible happened again a short time ago. Therefore, sick leave. Here
at home, I just sail in a confusing sea of fears and dreams. If only this
would end sometime!
Thank you for
bothering to listen between my stories and my complaints on the phone.
I hope my life
gets organized soon. This terrible thing certainly can’t happen to anyone
without something brighter on offer. I wish I could understand all the signs
that have been set in my life. I started to pray in the evenings. It helps a
little bit. I also pray that through my sleep I would receive information that
would tell me what I should realize about these events. Personally, I can't
understand it right now.
I'll tell you
later if I realize what the issue is. It is too early now.
Your friend,
Elisabeth
Letter 10
(November 12, 1995)
My dear soulmate,
I am now weak.
My heart cries for your lost love. You have resolutely ignored my love. I will probably
still remember, in white hair sitting on the rocking chair, the moment we
looked at each other across the table. Our eyes told each other how much we
missed each other. I was real shy back then. I couldn’t say anything sensibly,
I didn’t say anything at all. I was always quite injected when we met. I was
expecting you to ask me out or something. However, we never achieved anything.
I don’t understand why all this had to go this way. For your information, you look
very attractive. Women are probably besieging you all the time. On the other hand,
I also have found favor attention from men, not only from the right men – you
would be the one. But God, I pray that I wouldn´t have to spend my life alone
and end up sitting white haired on the rocking chair memorizing Him. I need to
love, and I need to be loved!
For the last
couple of years, a lot of real scary and weird things have happened in my life.
For some reason, though, you’ve never contacted me, even though those “weird” and
“odd” things somehow wanted me to believe that way. Here's how I understand it.
I couldn’t comprehend how you could have moved away from me so far. Maybe you
don’t believe in God and you don’t believe in true love. Maybe you want to
build your life on such a foundation that you don’t have to explain my past to
anyone. I never ordered such events for myself either. I wish I could
understand that all this had to happen to us for a certain reason. So that we
can learn to appreciate and love the most important thing in life - Jesus. And
to walk the path He has pointed out.
I am not an
angel. I have sinned, like all other people. A sin made in people´s mind is
also a sin, according Holy Bible. I once thought in my mind of one person that
he would have needed a revenge, because he could have been torpedoing my life.
Like what he did to me and to my life in secret, planning the whole thing in
beforehand. Even then, I didn’t realize what I was thinking. It wasn’t until
later that I realized I really hadn’t been myself at the time. I just wondered
in my mind how wrong and unfair this person had treated me. I thought then that
he had completely torpedoed my life. I wanted revenge, in my thoughts. I
thought “some” would retaliate to him on behalf of me. Even then, I hadn’t
slept for many nights. I didn’t really want that, of course not. But I was so
tired that at that time I could no longer understand the pollution that had
been so much thrown at me. I just couldn’t stand being a victim anymore and I
was in pain. Please Father, forgive me!
Now I feel like
you wanted an “angel” to your spouse. I apologize for not being able to be the
kind of a woman you wanted. There are bothering things in everyone’s life, one
way or another. But harsh experiences shape us into unique survivors, stronger
also in love and truth. Stone polishes stone.
My door is open
to you. I have a dream you belong to. The most wonderful thing is, that I know
you love children. I am not ready to let anyone else than you close to my child
as a father figure. I hide this desire of my heart to be left alone from the
curious ones.
I wish you a
Merry Christmas and I also hope that you will remember me sometime,
With love,
Elisabeth
Letter 11 (March
13, 1997)
My God,
it has been a
long time since I wrote to You. I can’t tell anyone but You about these things.
Something dead serious
happened yesterday, or even more serious.
We were
celebrating my cousin´s children’s birthday and name day at my cousin´s home,
and the spring hair of light pampered us with its rays. Then, as I sat on the
couch, I wondered how wonderful it would be to live with Him, me, my child, and
Him. We would be a family. I was like living in daydreams - planning and
waiting for something wonderful to happen. So once again, I had turned in to
think of Him, the beloved of my heart. In the mist of happy chatter, I went to
visit the toilet. As I washed my hands, I looked in the mirror and at the same
time I saw how the floor next to me tore open like a bottomless gap! It shone
with its coldness and creepy depth - to perdition! This all happened in my
vision, from you Father.
I shortened to
the floor. At the same time, I realized how deficient I had been as a mother. This
had to happen to me. I realized all these things like in a second. I hadn’t
paid enough attention to my child. I had only done the basics as a mother.
Leaving my child’s mental needs in the background as I thought and pondered my
own life. I was ashamed. I felt how blood escaped from my face and the cold
almost stiffened my limbs. The depth next to me was creepy! I looked there paralyzed
and at the same time realized that You, my God, let me make my choice between
either depth or my life. You didn't help at all. You didn't push me there
either, because I saw your thumb horizontally. Your hand was big and very
light. The gate of perdition was like the mouth of a bottomless black dark well.
It waited, letting me to understand at the same time all the sins I had
committed. There, in perdition, the loneliness would continue, as in black
space or depth, remembering every moment my sins and the fact that there is no
going back. God would not be there. I would be out of all the world, without You
– in a flash! At that moment, I realized what it feels like to be lost. I
rushed myself, screaming from the floor and rushed to the bedroom. I threw
myself on the bed crying and praying for mercy. I was in shock. I still
remember everything: my cousin and mother came to in worrying to see what had
happened. Also how they called the emergency number where they were given first
aid instructions and how I was taken to the hospital.
I just wanted to
tell you that I understand today why it had to happen to me. It was a serious
warning from Heaven. I ask forgiveness from my heart, that I have been so
selfish. The last few years I have been thinking only of myself and the things
I experienced. I didn´t notice the brown and dear eyes of my child looking at
me next to me. Now I regret my stupidity. I want to reimburse my child for all
the time I was away mentally. I want to fill his life with love and care - to
replace the past for the most beautiful eyes in the world. How gentle and wise
his eyes are! He has had to understand more things from an early age than many
of his peers. He has had to witness my weak moments and believe that mom is
still getting better. My God, give us another chance! I can't live without my
child! Amen
Praying for
mercy,
Elisabeth
Letter 12 (April
4, 1997)
Dear nurse,
I would like to
thank you in this letter for how well I have been taken care here in the
hospital. When I came back to the lobby of the department, I was greeting me by
the same bronze crane plow carving on the wall framed that I remembered from
the last time. It already made me feel better. You all old workers, too, you
were kind and familiar. It feels like I've come to safety. The doctor said I
was in psychosis, again. I was content with that. In my opinion, the medical
term would have been a nervous breakdown. But deep inside me, I knew what this was
all about. I can’t dare tell you, how profound and spiritual my experience was.
Also, the last time was a spiritual experience that was not taken into account
by the doctors. Yes, I know that if a person sleeps too little, he or she may
get confused in his or her understanding, that treatment is in place. However,
I feel like these times are the introduction to understand and change my own
life. And I knew at least this last time why. However, I wanted to adapt to the
patient program. I went on a group run first, then on my own advice running and
also painting. I also went to sing karaoke in group mode. I sang the easiest
song I somehow knew - The House Of The Rising Sun. It felt good to let air into
the yard through the microphone. I also kindly took the medications. It is
pointless to struggle against medication there. It's mandatory. I have got
friends here. Patients are quite in different situations and in different
conditions. We “coffee cookers” and cigarette smokers always just find our own
gang. I would like to tell you that this time, too, there are patients in our
ward with whom we have a special cohesion. It amazes me. Or not real anyway. I
believe that God in His perfect wisdom unites many people in different
situations, especially harsh ones, without our understanding. However, we are
content with treatments because we know we are being tried to help. I believe
in God and hope that things will gradually come to light. I know you want it
too.
Thanksgiving,
Elisabeth
Letter 13 (July
5, 1997)
My God,
I've been
thinking about my life over the last four years. All the unusual and
frightening events that I struggled through.
I have sinned. I
smoke cigarettes, I drink wine sometimes, I dream of a man who might be dating
right now.
My biggest sin,
though, is that I haven’t been the kind of mom I wanted to be. When my son was
little, I was so tired. My son had colic and he cried a lot at night, so I was
like a gray sparrow with my black under eyes. I put on makeup to cover my fatigue
and somehow tried to keep up. My ex-husband was working at nights, so he was of
little help in childcare and housework. I was actually a single parent from the
beginning. I was so crushed that I didn’t have enough time to play with my
child. As a rule, I took care only of housework and the basic needs of my
child, as well as, of course, my work. Now I understand more. You made it very
clear to me, my God. I needed that reminder last March.
Motherhood is
the most beautiful thing in the world. I feel sad when I missed so much of that
during my son’s first years. By this I mean that I did not mentally think about
my child’s life back then, but routinely did things. I didn’t understand my
little son’s need to be close to me, his little remarks, like a small note
written with a marker pen that read “mom I love you”. And the extremely
sensitive, small child’s gaze or his interest in various new things. However, I
videotaped his first words as we learned the facial parts from the children’s
book. That memory warms my heart so much! Oh, my little angel!
I ask, Jesus
Christ, for mercy and forgiveness for this sin of mine! You know I was tired
then and I couldn’t ask for help. I didn´t know how to. You also knew that I
really had to fight mentally against the burning arrows of evil and the attacks
of satan, and I asked you to help and save my child. I cried loudly to you and
asked you to take my son to safety. I did something right after all! At that
time, I felt like these past years, as if I had to carry my child in my arms
and walk on sharp sabers with my feet in blood, unable to show my pain to my
son. I couldn’t show it, because I was afraid those fearful thoughts would
catch my son’s soul. However, we have such close distance, a genuine love
between a mother and a son.
Asking Your
forgiveness,
Elisabeth
Letter 14 (July
21, 1997)
My dear soulmate,
we saw very
quickly today. I just want to tell you that I don’t understand my behavior at
all in your company. I'm like a foal, rising to my feet for the first time,
staggering and swaying. The talk is idiotic, even though I try to look “just
plain”. I always manage to say the wrong words at the wrong time, I guess!
Otherwise, however, I consider myself as normal person to have conversation
with. You just make me feel completely defenseless. You really have that special
effect on me, for no man I knew before has been able to do the same.
I would love to
talk to you so much properly. Somewhere in a quiet place. For once, just the
two of us. I would have so many questions for you. I would also like to tell
you, as I mentioned earlier, the events that have changed my life. I believe
you are the kind of man who understands profound things, also spiritual. That
is why I love, respect, appreciate and admire You.
Maybe you were a
little scared, or at least embarrassed when I said in my letter that I talk to
you in my mind every now and then. You are as a great and mighty pine tree to
me, from which I can get a breath, when I am weak. You pour belief for better on
me and give your love unselfishly - surrounding me with safety and affection,
as your branches reach out to me. Yes, I understand that from a psychological
point of view, I use your being through my mind to help. When I think about
what a best friend would say to me in certain problematic situations, the
answer eventually comes, perhaps from my subconscious. I cannot say. Or was it
some kind of spiritual connection?
Thank you for
existing! I thank Jesus that I have You in my heart! I pray that we could live
as a family one day.
I prayed you
would like to call me or else get in touch!
With love,
Elisabeth
. Letter 15
(December 17, 1997)
Dear Jesus!
I wish a husband
as a Christmas present!
Thank You in
advance when that happens!
Elisabeth
Letter 16
(January 5, 1998)
Dear Jesus,
New Year went
alone at home. My son was with his father. I ate well and drank red wine to my
grief and loneliness. I really drank too much. I remember I also went
vomiting…? Did I? I am sorry about that! My God, it bothers me when I don’t get
this particular man out of my mind. I know now that he's dating. I cannot
disturb him with my calling or in any other way. I have tried a few times to
watch a new man as an eye, but it feels like the earth had swallowed all fit
men. If a man comes to chat, then he is either too drunk, engaged or otherwise
just macho. I don't want any of them.
You know all the
weird and awful things have happened to me in recent years. I pray that those
scary things will no longer come into my life. I have wondered many times those
things I only can remember, so that I could understand the reasons behind all traumatic
experiences, disappointments, sorrows.
I've been quite
a loner in recent years. It’s probably because I haven’t dared to share my
experiences with anyone. It causes me like a gap to socialize with other
people. Sometimes when I listen to people´s talk, I realize that they might not
be able to understand in any way what has happened to me. Their problems are so
common: no money, burnout, quarrels at home, etc. Oh, if only I had just one of
them, or even all of them, but not this kind of problems! Of course, Jesus, I
do not want them. My problem is just really something completely different.
Fortunately, I
enjoyed my work. And my son is all right.
I now pray for
You to give me the love of my life too. I was thinking that should I need to
find another man? But I do not know how I can forget Him. It feels like I’m
trying to murder my love. I hope you will help me in this matter. Maybe bring me
oblivion?
I will wait for
happier times. Maybe one beautiful day? Amen.
Hoping for your
answer,
Elisabeth
Letter 17 (May
9, 1998)
Dearest
soulmate,
today is my
birthday. I turn 35 years old. I celebrate my birthday with my friends and try
to forget you. I apologize for my letters because I know now that you have
chosen another woman next to you. I hope to find a wonderful man like you. I
can’t do anything about it that you have adventured in my dreams every now and
then. You are in my heart forever. I cannot forget you, and I guess there is no
need to forget you. I hope I can still remember you for in all good? True love
never disappears, says Holy Bible.
I still hope
that even sometimes you will remember the beautiful opportunity we were given.
At least I always remember it. Maybe that love story would have been too big?
The people around us just made everything change. And you changed too. Then it
was my turn to wallow in the depths, with my fears. I had no choice but to
ashes up. Always climb higher. I'm going to survive these trials, believe it?
With Jesus, I can do anything. I wish it to you too.
With love,
Elisabeth
Letter 18
(Millennium, 2000)
Dear God,
my son and I
were celebrating the millennium by my cousin along with other relatives. The
evening was nice and fast-paced! We ate all kind of delicacies and tasted
wines, liqueurs and the sweetest whiskeys and cognacs. I didn’t even think
about the possibility that I could be different among and without alcohol.
Somewhere in my heart I thought of Him, the man I love. The feeling was
secretly very longing and depressed. I tried to push my thoughts into the
background, and thought about having fun with others. We danced in a group of
women in long skirts, giggling at silly things and singing along to the music.
In the noise of the dance, I also fell the Christmas tree with its balls. Well,
it happens. At least the others had fun!
As the H-moment
approached, we took out the rockets in our armpits. However, when the clock
struck midnight, I was disappointed. We stood with sparkling wines and people
intertwined with kisses to seal this great moment. The magnificent fireworks
display in the city was stunning. I tried to get excited about sending rockets
with my son and other children, but at the same time, I was still alone in my
heart. Everyone around me had adults to follow in this unforgettable moment,
except for me. However, I wanted to be present for my child, so with my hands numbness
due to cold I sent rockets one after the other. Eventually we returned with toes
insensate. I felt empty in my heart. Not even realizing how much wine I had
been drinking, I poured glass after glass more. I chatted with my relatives,
trying to forget my loneliness. The children played together and had fun. Some
of the guests gradually left for their homes.
In the end, the
nausea won. In the toilet, head in the bowl, I let the cry come. How I was
expecting something miraculous to happen now that the millennium had changed!
In vain. I hopped on the couch and went off. I´m so sorry, Jesus, that I
couldn´t forget that man, after how hard I tried! The turn of the millennium,
remembering the love in my heart, alone as a woman, was just too demanding
moment to not have been crying.
I pray for
strength to move forward, Amen.
Elisabeth
Letter 19
(January 2, 2000)
My God,
I understand
that love does not come with the clock in the neck. I hope, my God, that You
can somehow make the difference in my boring and lonely life. A woman consists
of three “parts”: a human, a mother, and a woman. As a person and as a mother I
am satisfied with the state. My situation is stable and loving. I've a meaningful
work, things go smoothly and I have a wonderful son. Still, the woman in me
screams alone. I have tried to find a man (husband), lastly last week. This man
just once again didn’t feel right. Something was missing. The feeling I expect
to tremble my skin and make my heart beat, just doesn’t show up. I still
remember my soulmate. How can I find his equal?
Is it wrong to
love a man who is engaged? The tenth commandment is, “Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's spouse”. But I do not covet him! I love him! Maybe I'm silly and
child minded when I think about this. On the other hand, I can never forget his
delicate gaze and the feeling, that there was love. And still is in my heart.
I reason there
must be dreams. That's what they always say. This is my dream. I keep it hidden
in my heart for the future.
Alone,
Elisabeth
Letter 20
(October 15, 2000)
Dear Jesus,
I have prayed
for You Jesus to give me the peace of soul in the evenings. It feels like the demons
are lurking my soul with their long teeth in the darkness of the night. I've
woken up at night when dark shadows are moving in my room, the sound of
dragging after. It's real awful and scary! I have also felt strange sensations,
as an outsider would be trying to smother me to death. I don't see any one and
I don't hear anything. I just can't move. It’s as if a really strong force is
holding me in place. I can't even breathe properly. This has already happened
for a few nights. My dear God, what is it? Why? I don't dare to fall asleep
anymore. I'm afraid I'll wake up to that same still state again. I sought
medication from a doctor to make me sleep properly. I hope those pills help. I
already have sleeping debts, which I wouldn’t want any more.
There is now an
insane rush at work. I work like on contract so I wouldn’t have to stay
overtime. I have to come home in time to make dinner for my son. I'm stressed
out about all of this, I know it. Yes, I will try my best to cope. I eat
vitamin pills and go for walks whenever I have time. In the evening, I take a
sleeping pill and pull the blanket over my ears in time for not be tired in the
morning. I pray for You to give me peace while I sleep. Otherwise I can't.
Amen.
Elisabeth
Letter 21
(October 21, 2000)
Mother and
father,
thank you again
when you wanted to help me in this situation. Fortunately, I have you to take
care of my son.
I am now under
observation for a few days, after which the doctor makes a diagnosis. I have
tried to explain to her my sleeping problems and fatigue at work. I dare not
tell them about my fears yet. The diagnosis will probably go back to the peak
of psychosis. I would need nothing more than more effective sleeping pills and
some “super-human” to tell me what happens to me at night. I have experienced
so scary and strange things, taboo things that I do not really know how to
explain rationally to you either. I feel now much better when I have slept
properly. I just wouldn’t want to use any other drugs. I don’t think they could
help in this matter in any way. I have to find a solution to this in another
way. This patient system is just such, that what doctors decide is forced to
do. And if I said no, I would probably be forcibly pierced by medicine. I don’t
want it, so I’m kindly taking the prescribed medications.
Mom, could you
bring all my due bills here next week? I look through them. Would you also bring
more clothes and curlers. I get to wear my own clothes for a couple of days
instead of these hospital pajamas. You could also grab my makeup bag. I want to
look a little more cheerful if someone comes to visit.
I try to call my
friends when I get my cell phone. There is a rule here that at a certain time
of the day you can take care of your own affairs, then when they think the
situation is stable.
Hope all is well
there? Send my son a lap full of greetings and love!
See you next
week,
Elisabeth
Letter 22
(October 31, 2000)
My God,
now that I'm
here again in the hospital, I already know the routine pretty well. Morning
wake-up call at seven. Morning cigarette and shower first, then breakfast at
eight. Vegetables are completely missing from the breakfast table. Same thing
every time. After that there is a morning meeting where you can ask for a
doctor's appointment, free walking, etc. I now have free walking. I think I
have been quoted as a reliable patient over the years. No problems. In the morning,
therefore, free walking with a mobile phone. I’ll call some of my friends to
tell them I´m here again. I also withdraw money from the vending machine so I
can buy coffee, biscuits, jars and cigarettes from a nearby store. Those who
want to drink coffee earlier in the morning or afternoon buy coffee, sugar and
milk for shared use. I have noticed that not all the patients do realize this
procedure, but it is only a sign that they are not yet stable to understand
normal everyday routines.
I wonder what it
is, my God, that each time I figured these kind of issues? I am also interested
in handling the various tasks requested by the authorities, taking care of my
appearance and hygiene as well as handling bills through the social worker, for
example. This alone should raise strong suspicion among doctors that am I
really so “sick” that I need to be in the hospital for more than a reasonable
amount of time? At the right time, I mean that the sleep rhythm has been achieved
thanks to sleeping pills and the balance has thus been restored in the sleep
rhythm, and otherwise the fears have disappeared, at least for me. Yes, I could
probably sniff against this system for the rest of my life, so no change would
happen. It is a pity for patients who want therapeutic help as quickly as
possible. It is not allowed in the hospital.
Lunch at noon.
Fortunately, vegetables and dessert are also available then. After lunch, a cigarette
ring gathers under a canopy to talk to someone about something. Laughter is
enough. Others are on their own. Others tell their stories as to why they have
gotten here. Inside, there’s really nothing to do but go to the music room.
There are few CD´s, as well as a radio and board games. There is also a Bible
on the table. However, I cannot quite grasp it yet. I can’t focus in it, I
don’t know yet why.
I've looked at a
few female patients and improved the world together chatting. The afternoon
goes by listening to music and smoking cigarettes. Dinner at four. Again, they
gather in a queue to wait for each to find their own name on the trays set on
the tables. Places vary daily. Maybe the caregivers will follow how we get
along with different people, I guess.
At the same
time, the guest class begins. My parents and son are coming. I try to eat
minced meat sauce with potatoes and mixed vegetables as soon as possible. I’ll
skip the dessert this time because it’s something of a red jelly with a thick
film on the surface. I take the tray to the cart reserved for it, thank for the
food and leave the canteen. I can see my son in the hallway from afar with a
happy smile and a hurry. Wonderful to see his dear face! In my room I get a
bouquet of colorful mixed flowers and of course chocolate. Mom has also
collected to me clean clothes and the work necessities I requested. And the
bills to be paid, of course. There are also new magazines that are nice to read
when there is nothing else to do. I ask about happenings and get the answer
that it has been okey. We’ll talk for a while and then they start making a
departure already. It feels real miserable to stay here. How glad I would have
left with them! Saying goodbye always feels awful. I swallow tears as I wave my
hand after my alienating
loved ones.
The cigarette shelter
again feels like the right place to go. I'm probably smoking one and a half
boxes a day these days. That's a lot, but I don't care. Time has to pass,
somehow. I’m still thinking my soulmate. What is He doing now? He will surely
not even know that I'm here.
Yes, I have
noticed that I am a hopeless romantic. I dream of the man of my life, a prince
on a white horse, a safe husband that I could love unconditionally. However, I
have some memories of that lovely man. No one can steal them from me. They are
mine!
It's seven
o'clock for evening snack. The same path again as in the morning; no salad, no cucumber,
no tomato, etc. Obviously we are being tried to gain weight in order to
withstand the strong drugs we are forced to eat. I drink tea and bread topped
with margarine, a couple of slices of cheese and a slice of sausage. After
that, I hurried to shower, because it is already eight o'clock. From the
reception I can borrow a hair dryer to dry my hair to half dry. Rollers to my
hair in my room. In the evening queue, I stand with big rollers on my head,
like ET. I cause a slight amusement in some. I couldn't be interested in the
slightest. I took my medicine and go for one last cigarette. Again, nothing interesting
in TV, so I guess I’ll be asking for a fall asleep medicine right away. I
browse the Beauty and Health magazine for a moment until the numbness caused by
the medicine forces me to put it aside.
When I wake up
in the morning, I find that the corridor clock is only six o'clock. I go to the
toilet and go back to my bed. I pray, my God, how long do I have to be here? I
know that no doctor or any medication can clarify my case. I need to work them
out with You. I was wondering what I could tell the doctor. I decide to tell the
part of the truth. People who are tasked with making diagnoses based on
external behavior are unable to understand spiritual things. Probably none of
them even believe in God. This understanding I've received so far. It really is
weird. After all, we live in a Christian country, at least the most part. In my
own life, however, I can say that if I hadn’t believed in You Jesus, things
would have been in a really bad mess. Fortunately, I have my faith!
I am now going
to make my morning coffee and wait for the morning meeting where I am going to
ask for a doctor’s appointment again. I hope I can close the door of this
hospital soon behind me.
Patient
Elisabeth
Letter 23
(Christmas Eve, 2000)
My God,
almost palpable
is the peace I see around me. It's Christmas Night. I stand in the yard and
look at the sky - its dark beauty and stars. The small snowflakes fall slowly
until they find their place on a spruce branch, or on the ridge of an already
white roof. One snowflake lands on my palm. Just like it wants to say something.
The tears rise to my eyes and into the darkness I cry, "My God, why am I
alone?" I think of my dream - peace and love. I fear my dream will
disappear like a snowflake from the palm of my hand. So many Christmases have
already been like this. Heaven knows if my dream is just a star in the sky I
was hoping to get. Stars, stars, stars. As many as there are stars, there are
also dreams…. Dear God, let the stars twinkle this Christmas Night. Let my
dreams come true.
I quietly hum,
“Christmas night, Holy night,” and I can’t go on anymore. The longing is so
great. Like the full moon that appears to the people of the earth tonight. I
can't find the words to tell - the sky is so beautiful. I pray to the darkness:
“Give the wings to my dream, let it fly like a snowflake, touching people’s
hearts - and spread the message of peace and love on this starry night. A
heartfelt Christmas to all who hear this silent wish.
With love,
Elisabeth
Letter 24
(October 7, 2001)
My dear cousin,
I resigned from
my job today. I've had an awful lot at work! There has never been such a rush.
There were ten centimeter of invoices and bank statements, etc. from the post
office a couple of times a day. This has been like this all Autumn! On top of
that, I had to snag three people on their vacation for three weeks. Last week
and the previous week, I was getting sleeping pills from my doctor when I was
stressed about work at nights. I haven’t slept properly for about two weeks. I
thought last night that what I would do. In the morning I decided to start
taking more care of myself and respect my health from now on. And this hurry
was not the first time for me either in that job. I guess I've been too nice
when I have agreed to such patterns.
I hope this
feeling relieves now that I've made my decision. My term of notice is two
months. After that I rest for a moment and breathe in freedom.
Joy for you
though,
Elisabeth
Letter 25
(October 14, 2001)
My God,
something
unexpected happened today! I was at my workplace by the computer when suddenly
I was squeezed from my chest like a wide hoop. I couldn't breathe properly. At
the same time, I collapsed completely. I couldn’t speak properly, not even
think. Not to mention could I work. However, I realized I had to be exhausted.
I called the workplace doctor and immediately got an appointment. He
immediately ordered me on sick leave. I was put to a very difficult situation.
At the time Finland was about to take Eur-currency to act, I would have needed
all the time and help at my work to arrange that move in order. And at the same
time a new program was taken into use, which only I was taught to handle. And
at the same time three colleagues left to have their Autumn vacations during
which time (three weeks) I was to be the one who did their work. At home, I
fell on my bed and cried. For a long time and earnestly. Do these difficulties
never end? Is this some guidance? Do I have to do anything else? Why me, why I
do have to do all the hard work?
So I'm at the sick
leave the end of the term of notice. I am going to go to offer cake on the last
day of my work to my colleagues. There are so many good friends with whom many
winds have been experienced over the years. However, my decision was right. It
is now the time to change direction. I don’t want to endanger my health, at
least for work. This was a sign that I needed to start thinking more about my
future. What do I really need to do? Perhaps time will show the right
direction.
Elisabeth
Letter 26
(October 24, 2001)
Dear God,
I can't believe
it happened to me again! For once, I could no longer sleep at all. Exhaustion
took all my strength. I can't understand this. My parents told me to come here
to the hospital. I admit that I wouldn’t be able to sleep right now without
real strong sleeping pills. Only here in the hospital I can sleep with stronger
drugs. I hope I don’t have to wait long to get into sleep. How tired a person
can be! Tired, I rewind the happenings back and forth. I wondered what I could
have done differently. This time, at least, nothing. I was thinking my soulmate.
How I miss him! Only to you, my God, I dare say that I have still not forgotten
Him. I don’t understand why He has become so important to me. Why do I still
just feel so much love towards Him? I have prayed for you many times to give me
the forgetfulness of Him, if He wouldn´t love me. However, I always think of
Him. I know very well that He is busy. Another woman's man.
That is why I
blame myself when I sometimes dream of Him. On the other hand, love is not a
sin. Only lust. And that's not what this really is. I try to live one day at a
time, enjoying the little things. I struggle here and there between the music
room and the cigarette shed. Same patterns as before. There have also been a
few scary people here. Sometimes I am afraid at night that someone will come to
my room to threaten. There have been a couple of cases where my fear is not
entirely unfounded. I don’t think I’ll have to be here long this time. I want a
home in peace. Let it happen, my God! Amen.
With love,
Elisabeth
Letter 27
(November 30,2001)
My dear
colleagues,
today is my last
day working here with you. Feeling a little wistful. I wish you all the best in
the future! I also hope that the situation here will be alleviated for the
benefit of all.
Thank you for
the wonderful gift and flowers I received from you! I take them home with warm
thoughts.
Your friend,
Elisabeth
Letter 28 (April
15, 2002)
Dear Jesus,
thank you for
getting a job so soon! I've been in a new job from the beginning of March.
After all, this is, of course, temporary, but long term contract. It has been
quite different here than in the previous work. There is no working pressure.
You get to do your work in peace, sometimes it’s a little quicker, sometimes
calmer. And people are real nice, too.
I am finishing
up the use of the sleeping pills. It’s a little awkward when you get somewhat
hooked on them though. But I'm not going to give up! I pray for your help in
everything!
Persevering,
Elisabeth
Letter 29
(January 17, 2003)
My friend,
I don't
understand why it's so hard for me to find a man. I met a nice guy last month,
but I just couldn’t be with him. I can't help but thinking of Him, you know
who. He adventures in my dreams and even in my waking mind for some reason. I
know He is now married and has children, but something strange always reminds of
Him. I've tried to bludgeon the memory of Him in my head, that I should forget
him. Without success. After seeing Him a few times, I feel like there is an
insane amount of electrical energy between us. It hasn’t happened with any
other man. I've been in love with him for so long that I felt I somehow I would
betrayed Him with that other man. Just
think! This must now change! I've been watching online free men, but it hasn´t
revealed anything interesting so far. I just have to wait for time to pass.
Maybe that love will then “be forgotten” with time. I do not know. Of course, I
can't call Him or anything like that. I don’t want to mess myself up with a
third bike. However, I often send prayers to heaven that “somehow” and “through
something” we get a new opportunity. I just can’t stand this solitude anymore.
Fortunately, I have a son. Without him, life would probably be real boring and
lonely. Alone, I would probably have moved somewhere abroad and tried to start
a new life there. Maybe this is also a guidance to it? I just can’t always
understand God’s will. But I don't need to. I know God knows the best how
things should go in my life.
Sunny winter
days for you!
Elisabeth
Letter 30
(August 6, 2003)
Dear Jesus!
I did something
infinitely silly yesterday! It was a really beautiful day and in the morning I
already felt that Your power would have guided me in my actions and thoughts. At some point I decided to call to my soulmate! I did
not have the slightest thought in my head that He would not rejoice of my
calling. Nor did I realize at that moment the fact that He was married. I
dreamed that it was He who was waiting for my call then. I dialed the number,
and He answered. It was the scariest call in my life! He let me fully understand during the
call how inappropriate it was for me to contact him. After the call, I just
cried.
In repentance,
Elisabeth
Letter 31
(August 7, 2003)
To my soulmate,
I never thought
I would contact you in any way again, but however I did. I left you a call
request today and you called me back. You told that I had caused you a decent
dispute and ruined your holiday. You asked if I really wanted that. No, I
didn´t! I did not have time to explain anything about what happened and the
reasons why, when you pronounced your judgment to me: “You are now in the right
place… and take care of yourself”. I was paralyzed to listen to the line. At that
moment, I couldn't figure out anything. My suffering heart was broken. As if in
a dream, I walked away from the hospital phone stand and navigated in silent
tears to the cigarette shed.
My dear friend,
I would never have wanted to ruin your vacation or cause any argument to your
relationship. It didn't even occur to me! For some reason I don’t understand
myself either, I did what I did. I am deeply sorry! I apologize now for what
happened and I hope you can forgive me. Too many strange things have happened
in my life in previous years, that have also concerned you. I didn't know what
to believe. Now, however, I understand that you have made your choice and am
content with it. If you ever wanted to listen to my story, I would be real
grateful for that. I would like to discuss all the ambiguities that other
people caused between us and that may have influenced your decision as well,
long ago. The happenings in life should be studied and ensured, before
believing what other people are saying. Personally, I make all my decisions
according to my heart, my feelings and my common sense, as well as to God´s
guidance. I feel like you don't know me at all. However, I hope that one day we
could at least talk as friends.
Blessing you,
your friend
Elisabeth
Letter 32 (April
5, 2004)
My God,
why are these
springs so challenging for me? When the sun starts to shine and people have
spring on their chest, I always start to think and dream about Him. That's what
happened now. And then I got sleepless and that´s why I'm here in the hospital.
I tried to tell the doctors that I did not need any medication because there is
no dose of medication for what could change the will of my heart. Sleeping pills
were okey, because I want to have back the rhythm of sleep. There is the same
system still here, and I will try to adapt once again. When I’m alone in the
music room, I listen to ballads and let tears come. Lord, let me forget Him if
He does not love me! All in all, I can't stand it anymore! Why can’t my heart
believe that He is not coming into my life? This is really a shocking
situation! Reason and emotion are like East and West.
I'll get out of
here soon, thankfully. People here, more or less under the guidance, have gone
through a lot. Yes, there should be a Full-Time Soul Therapist here discussing
individually with patients who want it.
I will now wait
to get home with the most confident mind. I don’t want to think about Him so
intensely anymore. If I think about Him, I can realize the situation and act
accordingly. Maybe I shouldn't forget Him? What is Your opinion God?
Thinking myself,
Elisabeth
Letter 33 (July
25, 2004)
My dear son,
now that you got
Communion, I have such an unspeakably proud and happy mind that I can’t even
tell! The poem I wrote and read to You included everything I wanted to say to
You today. I pray for you sunny days of your life and a calm and joyful mind
for all the situations that come up in your life!
Fly high, darling,
let the God´s wind take you in the right direction! Do not be afraid of the
heights and the mountains ahead, but head to the new glory, to Jesus, without
fear!
Blessings to You
forever!
With love,
Mum
Letter 34 (March
8, 2005)
Dear Sister in
Jesus,
we have known
each other for some time, but only recently have we dared felt to discuss
spiritual matters. It’s wonderful to have someone with whom I can talk freely
and know that the other person really understands and agrees. I don’t really
have any other friend right now who believe in God and also talk about it. Most
of my loved ones and friends are so-called “casual Christians”. Yes, they belong
to the church, but change the subject when the speech shifts to faith and God.
Curious thing.
We’ve had some
real nice and rewarding moments with a cup of coffee, and I’d never trade them
for anything. It feels like a new, broader life opens up for me as we talk
about Jesus. Thank you for being there.
Your sister,
Elisabeth
PS: The new job
is good. The first day behind…
Letter 35
(May 27, 2005)
My God,
I saw Him a
while ago. My old friends and I were eating at a restaurant and we also took a
few ciders. He treated me almost like air. He spoke politely and told funny
things about his family’s life. I realized very well that He, between the lines,
made me realize that He was happy in the life situation as it was. I didn’t
give power to my feelings, but smiled and chatted with other friends as if
nothing had happened. It wasn’t until I got home that I went to my bed and
stared into the air blind, snuggled. I should have known that. Of course.
That’s when I decided, for I don´t know how many times I had decided, that I
would never allow Him to confuse my thoughts again. From now on, I would live
one day at a time, letting life finally bring something real good to me too. I
have prayed You God, as you know, quite a lot.
I will continue
to focus on my son, on my loved ones and on my friends in my life. Fortunately,
there is also work that gives content into my life. Why can't I find the man I
love? One that would be completely free? Is my future in this life to live
alone? I will wait for a miracle - true love, because it would really feel like
a miracle….
In tears,
Elisabeth
Letter 36 (June
27, 2005)
Dear Cousin,
thank you for
the invitation to your summer cottage! It was real nice to spend a couple of
days in the Finnish summer, away from the hustle and bustle. Even the air
treated us gently, almost tenderly. What now a few mosquitoes and breezes
teased, but not to trouble much. I probably gained a couple of pounds again. There
was such a tasty barbecues also! For some reason, I've gained weight last
couple of years about ten pounds. Of course I would like to be as slim as
before, but I simply don’t get to do anything. By the way, a wonderful
anticipation is in my heart, when we leave for Spain with my son at the end of
next month! Luckily I won that travel gift card, otherwise we couldn´t afford
to go anywhere. It's been around thirteen years since I last spent a holiday
abroad. So, it is the right time now to lift the switch on the trip!
Thanks again for
your cottage vacation! Hopefully the sun will show its face several times this
summer!
Your cousin,
Elisabeth
Letter 37
(August 7, 2005)
My God,
I rest here in
the hot embrace of the sun as the waves of the sea seduce nicely. My son also
tries to cope with being in place for a while, but runs into the waves more
often than I do. I just bought a treatment from a local beach masseur and now I
feel like a piece of beaten meat! What a perfect state of being! I laze on my
beach chair without really thinking about anything. I look at the clock on my
cell phone and notice that it´s lunchtime. Lazing and food. What can I really
hope more for in the early meters of holiday? We have a few plans for what we
do on vacation, such as a visit to the water and amusement park and shopping.
There are probably no sights here. That doesn't disturb now. The main thing
that we got on vacation! Thank you, my God, for this holiday! I know you had your
fingers in the game when the travel gift card was drawn. This is what we just
needed!
Holiday
Greetings,
mother & son
Letter 38
(November 5, 2005)
Dear Sister in
Jesus,
it's real nice
when you came to “The Book of Revelation” -seminary with me! I noticed an advertisement
in the local newspaper and immediately decided to go there. It felt like it was
just the thing I should look in more. After all, I didn't really know anything
about the whole Book of Revelation before. Now that I've gone up to the end of
September the course once in a two week, I've noticed that this is the
information I have lounged for! I must say that I have been unknowing of the Holy
Bible partly. I also read other Christian material I got from there. I feel
like the pieces in my life are starting to snap into places. There have been so
many answers to the questions that rotate in my mind. I have started to read
the Holy Bible at home little by little. I must say that it soaks into me
perfectly. It was just now the time for both of us that this seminar came into
our lives to clarify things in our minds. I get something new to think about in
my own life every time I do my homework. You probably have the same. I plan to
go through this seminar until the end, next spring. I hope I'm wiser then.
With happy
greetings,
Elisabeth
Letter 39
(February 4, 2006)
Dear Jesus,
my project work
ended at the end of January and now I should think about what I will do
in the future.
As the course of Creative Writing I was attending progressed, I finally decided
to start writing my own book. I would like to save time for this writing
process as it takes quite a bit of time. If I were at work, I probably wouldn’t
be able to write just about anything. This is a tricky situation! I pray to
You, my God, to let things go the way you want and you feel the best. If I have
to find a suitable job, then ok, then I will go. Or if not, then I write my
fingers whining. Amen.
Waiting for the
situation to clear up,
Elisabeth
Letter 40
(Easter 2006)
My God,
it had come a
great moment in my life. I would receive the water baptism of faith I had
already planned for months. My sister in Jesus and I had both come to the same
conclusion after studying the Holy Bible in the seminary. I hoped that all the
fears, traumas, and futile dreams would be completely drawn into the water. I
hoped they would sink in baptism with my sins as promised in the Holy Bible.
After that, I would start a new life, closer to You, Jesus.
The baptism
service was beautiful and delicate. I felt I had made the right decision. The
sun also shone with the bright power of spring, as if to agree. I had asked my
loved ones to attend the baptism service, but they did not want to. I can't
blame them. It is their very own decision to begin to understand me and my “escapades,”
as my mother put it. Dad contented himself with cursing. But as Jesus told us,
we are to follow Him without looking back, without asking any permission from
anybody. Luckily, an old friend of mine wanted to come along. It felt good. A
broader view of these things emerges only when everyone is ready to receive it.
That is, to truly believe in God, the Son of God, and the Holy Spirit. Over the
years, I have strengthened my faith day by day. I believe all my experiences,
including in the hospital, have brought me even more close to the heavens.
Today, I couldn’t even imagine living differently.
I want to be the
same Elisabeth to my friends as before. That important difference only to the
former life is pure faith, which has helped me experience the touch of the Holy
Ghost. It is the most beautiful and touching gift from The God of Eternity. I've
experienced it a few times in different situations and every time I have wept
for joy! An immense sense of peace and security fills the whole soul and heart.
It is indescribable.
In the evening
at home, I was buried in the couch of a red wine glass next to me. A lovely
movie started on television, which I had already seen a long time ago. However,
I wanted to watch it again because I was once really impressed by the final
scene. It did it now, too. I sneaked into my bed knowing that this night would
be long. Quietly, under the blanket, I let my tears come. That film had once
again opened the wounds of my heart, just like the first time. I cried and
groaned, the grief within me did not give up. Why my God? Why has my love been destroyed?
At some point I fell asleep, thank You Jesus for that.
In the morning I
prayed that You Jesus would let true love come into my life finally. I just
can’t think of anyone but Him. Maybe I’ll have to live my whole life alone.
When my child is going to move from home within a few years, then I don’t know
how I can cope that. How lonely I would be then?
Relying on your advice,
Elisabeth
Letter 41 (May
25, 2006)
Dear sister,
thank you for
being there! We have discussed and analyzed our dreams and other issues as well.
That's interesting stuff! We seem to understand our dreams more day by day.
I must also say
that it´s really invigorating when we started to keep fit together by walking,
all the way from last Autumn. Now that I've decided to drop my weight, then walking
suits the pattern better as well!
As we have both
noticed, things happen in our lives as if by themselves as we pray. Even small
ones. I just have to be reasonable in my requests to heaven. Too much is too much
and too little is too little. I have given God the power to decide the love of
my life, cause I´m not able to develop absolutely nothing. Yes, Jesus knows the
best what is best for me.
I can say quite
honestly that my life has improved since my baptism. Somehow life feels calmer.
There have been no more bad dreams, and no strange experiences at night, of
someone standing next to me trying to do me bad. Or that some object or thing
is trying to stifle me with a blanket while sleeping. Now, I slept very well
without any intake of sleep drugs, and several times I have raised when the
rooster crows. I have gone walking a couple of times at dawn too. Jesus will
eventually arrange everything in the best way, at least I firmly believe in it.
Blessings,
Elisabeth
Letter 42 (June
26, 2006)
Dear God,
today, alone at
home, when my son is with his father’s family abroad, I feel quite happy with
my life. Even though I'm alone. I have learned to enjoy my freedom and peace,
which I have achieved. I let my thoughts wander in my dreams in complete peace,
and I don’t take any kind of headache nor problem from them, let alone
self-blame. And I've found that I feel much better! I don’t take problems with
monetary matters because they’re always just sort of organized. Money is a good
slave, but a bad master.
I've been
dealing with my friends a lot. They give perspective on many things, and vice
versa. However, a few of my friends, myself included, have lived alone long
after our divorces, seeking true love. Perhaps it has a meaning that we learn
to be independent and find joy in our lives.
I personally
cannot understand couples who argue day after day, grumble and get a sense of
togetherness from it. Pretty weird. Yes, I have learned to distinguish good
from bad. Admittedly, there is always hope, as long as you know how to look for
it, and not be content with a loveless life. Therefore, I am still of the
opinion that You God, you will guide "Mr Right" to my life one day. I
hope this man is God´s man, intelligent, appealing to my own eyes, and capable to
perfect, sensitive love. That is, a Man with a big M!
Such were the
thoughts I had today. Fortunately, summer is at its most beautiful. I get to
expect strawberries from a few small shrubs I planted three weeks ago. My
balcony is very comfortable now in the summer. I’m now going to smoke the last
cigarette of the evening, after which the pillow will call.
With all my love
to You,
Elisabeth
Letter 43 (July
8, 2006)
Father in
heaven,
Why does my life
have to be such a dumpling soup when I want it to be semolina?
I´m alone at
home, and my son spends the night at his friend's house. The sun is still
shining wonderfully, coloring the sky bright pink, even though it’s already
half past ten in the evening. Even though the external framework is most
beautiful, I still feel the longing of this man in my heart. His memory and
existence are so important to me that I don’t even want to think of other men.
I simply can't. I gradually begin to believe, Heavenly Father, that this all MUST
matter! Otherwise, I just don’t really understand my heart and its heartbeat
just for Him. I just hope things move in a favorable direction so that my heart
can finally have peace. How wonderful would it be to enjoy His touch, lingering
kisses, delicate gaze, and tender words? I dream, I know that. But without
dreams I do not live! Some wise man has sometimes said that when you stop
dreaming, you stop living. I believe in that. And You God have given the dreams
to us humans.
Tonight, I pray
my God, that You will let something wonderful happen in my life!
I've been waiting and waiting for something to happen. The last years of my
life have really been one expectation.
The other day,
while driving, I turned the radio louder, just as the most evergreen of the evergreens
began: Unforgettable. Tears blurred my eyes as I listened to the words as I
realized how true it all was in my life. “Unforgettable, that´s what you are”. How
would I ever been able to feel something so beautiful and deep towards anyone else?
I wouldn't, I really wouldn't.
Heavenly Father,
I trust in You in this matter. Quite perfectly. It has been real beautiful and
hot days for a long time, so I think that´s a good sign from up there. I have
started to gradually understand other signs of nature in my life. If I do or
think wrongly of something, then it immediately pays off somehow physically.
For example, if I think wrong about something, a mild pain starts under the
thumb of my left hand. Or I can knock my hand or foot on the foot of the table,
etc. I immediately realize what was wrong when thinking or doing the way You
didn´t approve. It’s finally easy to start figuring out these things. Recently,
I have received clues from above, quite commendably. And I´ve been thinking about these things and
lived accordingly. That's why I'm so apparently healthy in the moment. Thank
You for that!
Yes, I think
that semolina porridge will finally appear on my breakfast table, real
delicious and tasty, as only true love can. I also try to think about things positively
and long-suffering. It is sometimes, admittedly, quite difficult. Anyway, I am
still quite good-humored and life thirsty. I also try to find words and
gestures to help my friends to understand my situation and that I have received
a blessing from from You. I pray that you will help me in this matter. Amen.
Waiting for a
miracle,
Elisabeth
Letter 44 (23
August 2006)
Father in
heaven,
once more I lost
my sleeping ability totally, and once again I believed my parents advice and went
to the health center to get sleeping pills. And the doctor then concluded I
needed treatment in a psychiatric hospital. Even if a couple of Diapam for a
short period had driven the same thing. I understand, as I have seen all kinds
of people out there in hospital, that some people really need to spend time in
that place. But I didn´t have a decent rest for few days, and I had the
momentary "racing ideas" and that´s all! So only thing I did need was
a good night sleep and rest, preferably at home. Because when people do not
sleep properly, they might usually have racing ideas and they cannot stop it
without sleeping pills. This is how I would psychologize myself if I had the
power to do so.
One additional
reason why I was actually taken to the hospital again was that while I was
waiting for a doctor with my father in the hospital yard at the time, I told my
father about my plans to write a book and that I had also written poems. I also
told him how I liked writing. My father directly commented that “don’t think of
yourself to be anything, you are not going to be anything". So, the
content of his words was, to my recollection, these things. I was shocked for a
moment by my father’s words because they hurt me so deeply. I couldn’t take
them in that situation and being tired. They broke my heart. Likewise, I slapped
at my father’s cheek with a small swing. I had never done that before. The
reason was that he would understand that now he really went too far. But right
away after that I hugged my father and I apologized him. He did not apologize
to me for his words.
I understood, of
course, that my “actions” were monitored through the windows of the hospital,
as usual. Of course, my father said nothing about what happened in the yard. Me
neither. But it would probably have been worthwhile to ask from my father to
tell in his own words what happened and why. Perhaps they would have understood
better after hearing the truth.
So back to the
hospital again. After all, right after I got back my night's sleeping ability
(about 2-4 days), I started to feel like what an earth I'm doing here. For this
incomprehensible reason, the doctors wanted to classify me as schizoaffective.
I really have nothing against schizoaffective people, I guess I can feel a
little sympathy for them. I feel when it feels like in this part of a loveless
and sick world, we “patients” have only found a different way to experience
that lovelessness and lynching as well as slander behind our backs, after all.
We can’t stand it, we “react” to it with insomnia and thinking about things, a
lot. And when the world in that state is unable to understand us, then the
result is this.
I was ordered to
take some new drug that caused stomach dysfunction, pimples on the skin and
insane appetite. I gained about 10 pounds during a month. I had been earlier on
the instructions of the Weight Watchers, and got close to the target weight as
well. However, they did not want to immediately realize that such obesity could
cause depression. Pretty weird. However, I eventually convinced them that my
good old medicine was better for me, when there would be no side effects. I
don’t understand why I should take other pills, when the only important
medicine for me from time to time would be a decent sleep aid. So, O My Father,
on my opinion, all this had to happen to me precisely for that reason that I
tell of all this later in my book. Those many thousands of people who think the
same way that I do, will probably sigh with relief when they hear that there
are other ways to survive. Of course, there are those people who really need
their medication for various ailments like Diabetes, heart disease, etc. Some
psychiatric illnesses, without further specification. However, everything
starts from a person deep inside, so when you understand and realize all this,
life is thus easier. I have been in the battle against the prevalent system for
years. I will take copies of all the medical case summaries that affect me and
verify their correctness. I did the same a few years ago for the therapists who
tested me, and the result was astounding! Namely, there were so many
inaccuracies that I couldn’t but bark my breath. Only a little example, I had
said that “one day I was sitting at the table”…, my papers told that “Elisabeth
sat on the table…” That is, recording events with questionable distortion gives
at least a crazy picture of the patient. I made the necessary corrections and
asked to attach it to the documents. I hope the people who study me bother to
read the changes and corrections made by the patient…? I doubt it.
I can only hope
that my story will evoke thoughts and debate about the correctness and accuracy
of things. I have now been at home for seven days and enjoyed every minute of
it, when I get to do something quite ordinary things: go to the store, cook, do
laundry and connect with friends. I would like to thank my friends here for
continuing to have faith in me and my survival. Admittedly, they didn’t even
know the beginning of my story, nor all the unreasonable events that happened
to me. And Jesus Christ, you know I have not told anyone, not even my son,
about the horrors that have befallen me before. I pray Thee, my God, that you
let them understand how difficult it has been and why I have been in the need
of help good night sleep. I do not need any other medicines, even doctors do think
so, because if there is any common sense about this now, from the beginning,
what would be the diagnosis that would be put on my forehead?
Now that I am
repeating the events in my mind from the beginning, it was indeed the case that
they were NOT delusions, but real events. I
don’t have to prove anything because I personally know the best what has
happened to me. Let others believe what they want. It is also written in the
Holy Bible in Ephesians (Eph. 6:10-17) that we humans have a battle against the
evil powers and against evil spirits.
Heavenly Father,
everything has a purpose. I trust in that. I’m still waiting for some kind
event that would be as far away as possible from what happened last month. I
pray, Father, give me more strength and the wisdom to understand this one even
better, as I have expressed in this letter, in Jesus' name, amen.
Elisabeth
Letter 45 (1
September 2006)
My dear soulmate,
I will not
disturb you in any way, I will not even send this letter to you, of course. I
have not yet decided what I will do for all these letters…. time will tell.
I wish you knew
everything I have thought of you! How I have dreamed that my fingers would touch
your eyebrows, and how your laughter would tingle in my ears, how the glace of
your eyes would love me alive! I have never, ever wanted to touch any other man
like you. I hope you believe it. Everything in You attracts me like a magnet. It´s
near that my heart bounces out of my chest when I hear your voice!
I guess I was breathless
every time I saw you, I know that. I didn’t want to show too much affection or
love towards you, because I knew your situation. Perhaps a little small hope
still lived in my heart, for I hadn´t been able to think of other men at all.
This means that I was "trying" to approach other men through internet,
but with poor results. Time wasted, and disappointing. On the other hand,
others have found their love there, so what if there was someone beyond your
superiority?
Wine ripping
alone at home. How comforting red wine tastes today! I lit a candle on the
balcony to get even some romance into my life. In the dark of evening, it is
somehow soothing to look at the sky, its dark cloud formations, before total
darkness descends. Even today, I go to bed alone, like I have done many
thousands of times. I also go to church on Sundays if I’m not tired. I hope, my
dear soulmate, that you will find faith, hope and love in your life. And that
you will remember that the greatest of all is love.
Still loving
you,
Elisabeth
Letter 46 (18
September 2006)
My friend,
I recently
wrestled with these registry issues. As you know, once a year, a patient has
the right to have copies of all the records about themselves, if they so wish.
And I wanted to. Guess what horrifying things they have written about me?
Aggressive, unpredictable … ??? !!! You probably raise eyebrows, as you know
very well that what I am the calmest person on earth. And that all went so after
my parents said long ago to the doctor, that I was aggressive, meaning
specifically that I have been verbally against their thoughts and didn´t want
to go to the hospital. The doctor never asked, “what do you mean by aggressive
behavior”? That would be a decent question, the only question that after
hearing the truth, these insults wouldn´t continue towards me. So, I have made
complaints, as well as to health center and to psychiatric hospital with intention
to remove and change the incorrect information. I also attached a paper later, signed
by my parents, stating that this was the case. I was verbally disagreeing with
them, and they expressed the matter in exaggerated terms. This was due purely
and simply for the reason that I have always been "a good girl”, which is
not even verbally against my parents. And when my parents overreacted and rushed,
I verily said against their opinion and raised my voice and shouted: “stop that
now”! Of course, that was too much for them, and the rest is history.
I pray, that the
written records of me will also be changed, because I cannot tolerate the idea
that I there is any completely false information about me in some “register”. Every
normal person would lose their nerve in a situation like this, but I can’t even
do that when I would definitely be branded “TRUE AGGRESSIVE” after that! Oh
yeah. Of course, I continue with the methods and processes allowed by law. My
only hope is that here in Finland, things would really work as they should in a
civilized state.
Gnashing my
teeth, I try to swallow my pride to go tell the direct words to those doctors
about their so-called experience, intelligence and human knowledge! Well, you
know me, I would never do that. But why on earth do the doctors not ask, what
you mean by “aggressive”? It would probably have turned the sled in
understanding around if this basic question had been intelligently asked. And
as a result, my “treatment” was prolonged and I was “treated” with the wrong
basic information, as an unduly aggressive patient — doubting my ability to be a
normal person.
It was reliefing
to put these “epic stories” on paper – it really eases the pain.
Your friend,
Elisabeth
Letter 47
(December 10, 2006)
My God,
now that work
fulfills my days, my life has been quite satisfactory. I have had much time to
think about You, Jesus. I´m very sorry about that. I always try to remember to
pray in the evenings and thank You for all the good You have given me - health
and peace of mind and some money that is enough for the basics.
Then to my love
affairs. If my life is meant to be lived without a husband, then I will settle
for it. I haven’t thought about the whole thing in a while. On the other hand I
was thinking that I am just a woman in my prime. Soon the wrinkles will
probably start to grow and I would hope that my future husband would still be
able to touch my bright skin. Even for a little while.
I just feel as
if I'd just delivered the basics, just ordinary. However, I feel like I need a
lot more in my life. That is what I am now praying from You, my Lord.
Amen
Elisabeth
Letter 48
(February 10, 2007)
To Jesus Christ,
I'm almost happy
now. There has been enough work and health. I'm thinking a lot about my
soulmate. What was Your plan in the past when you let me know him? Maybe it was,
that him just being there helped me to get over the worst stages. What I mean
is that I understand now why I had to go through all the sick leaves and other
events in my life. You tested me. Can I go through so much difficulties and
still trust in You Lord. Here I compare myself to Job, it is also told in the Holy
Bible. I would never, under any circumstances, abandon You Lord! No matter what
happens! I trust in your guidance.
I also now
understand why some people around me have helped me so much. There have also
been other types of people who have been trying to get me down. Unfortunately,
this is usually the case in life. Fortunately, I realized the situation and
kept my head trusting in You, Lord.
Through my
difficulties I have grown as a human being probably about 50 years! Sometimes I
think that I am like a wise old grandma sitting in a rocking chair. It doesn’t
help that I regret of what I have said or done over the years. But what helps
is, that I will repent those things to you, God. I have learned a lot. I also
know now when it is time to say what I have to say and when it is better to be
quiet. Thank You Lord for making me a better person.
Still, I'm a
little disappointed to this day. I'm alone. That is why I have always thought
of him. Even if I didn't want to, because I know he's living his own life. How
much he unknowingly helped me when I hoped things would be better. As thinking
psychological way, the events in my life, I came to the conclusion that I would
be either an alcoholic, user of substances or then committed suicide. Alcohol
and suicide did occur in my mind at that point. Fortunately, You Jesus were in
my life, and he. I also thought about him and my son, and imagined that at some
point we would have a wonderful life together, as a family.
At the moment
I'm happy as a mother and as a human being, but the woman inside of me is
alone. Help me, my Lord! Don't let me get alone for the rest of my life! Send
me Mr Right, then whoever he is. At times I have dined with my friends at
restaurants and watched the possible free men. I wouldn’t want to go to bars so
much, but there are so many old people in the church that you’re less likely to
find a life partner there at this age. And the lives of many older people who
go to church are pretty foreign to me, as the generation gap is in between.
Today I´m gonna watch one christian movie with my friend. I hope that it will
give me more answers again, to understand You more, Jesus.
I send you a
special thank you for my son. Thank You for having such a lovely and balanced son.
He has made me feel the full happiness of motherhood, and it is already such a
great gift that I will humble myself before You forever, Jesus. Give my son all
your support and understanding. Help him move forward on the eve of adulthood.
Amen.
Elisabeth
Letter 49 (16
February 2007)
To my soulmate,
I'm hoping and
praying again, that you would connect me, somehow. I would like to discuss
everything with you. And most of all, I would like to hug You and crunch close
to you because I still miss you despite of everything. Sadness does not relax!
I do not know your life situation, as I last saw you almost three years ago. I
can’t tell you why I still think of you, sometimes very often too. Somehow it
just feels like I’m still being led towards you. Of course, I wouldn’t try to
call or contact you because I don’t even know if you want it. I’m just sending
a devout prayer up to heaven so that somehow, one day, when it suits you, we
could somehow talk.
In my mind, you
are like a handsome albatross to me, which is very rare and only sits on the
mast of a boat where you know you are safe and at the same time free. You get
to sit on that mast for as long as you want, and if you ever want to leave, you
just lift your wings in the wind and rise over the clouds. However, I would be
waiting for you back, because on that mast you would feel like you were the
captain on the board.
Even more, I
wish we could really admire the albatross sitting on the mast, hand in hand. At
the same time, feel the touch of holiness around us that all is well. I still
love you, as weird as others probably think. Not because I have not told anyone
about it, but because I'm tired of listening to the promptings of people to
seek a man from the restaurants and the like. I'm tired of exploration, because
now I know what I miss. That longing is so much in my heart, that it will probably
give some signs of arrhythmia.
I pray to my God
that He would understand me and help me in this situation. Never in the world would
I like to hurt or complicate your life. It is just a simple fact that I'm
completely and hopelessly in love with you. In fact, being that for many, many
years. Only very recently I slowly started to realize that I absolutely can´t live
with any other man.
That is why I
hope you will contact me so that we can finally talk things. However, we were
such good friends, even more, so that I think it would be unreasonable for me
if you couldn’t talk to me. And I think I have the right to know what
ambiguities, etc., have happened that I even don’t know anything about. And
especially if they affect me in any way.
I sincerely hope
you now understand my entire story. And that this all was to happen. All that
has happened to both of us over the years have been our destiny that just had
to be so. THAT we both learned more than we could have ever imagined. Life is
full of miracles. Every day, every night, good miracles happen if we just give
them a chance. Faith, hope, and love are the driving forces that help, even in
difficult times.
I also hope and
pray for your children that they will have all things good. Children have a
direct connection up to the heavens. With their behavior, they show the way to
parents how to act and how not to. It is also said in the Holy Bible that the Kingdom
of God is for children and children minded persons. But first listen to Jesus.
Always. Sometimes children could be misquided to listen only the other parent,
and that is not good. We have to explain all the truth to our children, that
they could have an equal and objective understanding what has happened and why.
You’re probably
still in my prayers as an old mummy if you don’t want to contact me before.
Sometimes, my love, things go differently than you ever would have thought. I
never would have thought experience all of this. And I haven’t even written
everything, and I don’t need to. I pray that you would have the understanding
and strength to face the challenges of your life. If you want, you can trust me
in everything. You can call me anytime, I will listen and help whatever I can.
With love,
Elisabeth
Letter 50 (March
4, 2007)
Heavenly Father,
why do You
sometimes allow my ability to sleep to go away? Now, after almost two weeks on
sick leave due to insomnia, I just wonder what is so important that I need to
monitor about profound things. And why at night. I've been a good girl, my Father,
and I have really been thinking about all the things that I've already experienced
before. Now it just feels like my head is empty. Fortunately, I went to see a
doctor when I started to get exhausted from insomnia. And luckily this time I
really didn’t start thinking too many dreams. I kept my feet on the ground all
the time, yet my thoughts connected with my desires. I think now that You Father
are trying to make me realize more holy things and really help me grow to a
higher level. Thank You for that.
I have learned
to pay attention to the movements of nature and human and animal behavior in
different situations. Everything is connected to everything. And everything has
a meaning. Yet it is incredible that there is so much evil in the world. But as
the Holy Bible says, the number of those who do not believe is like the sand of
the sea. It has to be understood. That is why so much injustice is being done
in the world, without You our God! The least I can do is try to help myself and
my loved ones to realize the beautiful opportunity of this world with You, Holy
God.
You, My Father,
have made this world a better place for me. You helped me in my difficult
moments when I had no one else. That's why I want to thank You for your
patience, because I have really bucked between being with You Father and being
in the world. It is difficult for such an ordinary person to dare to be herself
and at the same time to trust You completely. It is a history trail, but I´m
moving on with You Father.
I went to a
psychiatric outpatient clinic to hear the results of a psychological test on
me. Now that the results of these tests from the 60s came, my diagnosis was
given: schizoaffective. It would probably mean something to the point that I
have some kind of mood swings, etc. If I had been allowed to diagnose myself,
it would have been: going through deep trauma with faith, hope, love and
sleeping pills. Period. There is no classification to trauma in psychiatry,
which is really awful and completely incomprehensible! And when many understand
how much horror many people have to experience in the world, it is truly
astonishing how lagging behind this psychiatry is with its diagnoses. After all
I have experienced, my own diagnosis is certainly the most essentially correct.
I'm sure you agree, my God. After all, it is heavenly indifferent to me what
doctors write about me. For others, it seems to be more important. Get a reason
to slander and a hypocrite potent. The only relevant thing is the fact that I know
I'm lucky, I have seen You and Your comfort in my difficult times. Without
them, I would not have survived. I couldn’t have gotten to know You and
understood things I couldn’t even dream of earlier. I've grown as a person so
much. Sometimes I feel like I’m a mountain. Legs firmly on the ground and face
up high looking at you, trusting. It is easier for me to breathe now. No more shall
the adversity waves move me off Your track as they used to. And I'm not scared
anymore. I now believe that my trauma is a distant memory in my mind. I pray
even more for peace of mind, health, happiness, love, wisdom, and security in
my life. And I pray the same to my son!
I'm going back to
work again tomorrow. My sleeping ability has been normalized, thank You for
that. Maybe you wanted me to rest in between or maybe you wanted to test me,
how well I have done in trying to balance my fears and my dreams.
I lay down my
Creator - Your arms are my refuge - in place if I do not ascend - please take
me to Heaven. Amen
Elisabeth
Letter 51 (April
7, 2007)
My friend,
It´s Saturday
night, and I sit at home alone, once again. Of course, I wouldn’t want to be in
any bar chilling, etc. We both probably have the same dream in our back of our
minds, whether we like to admit it or not. So even if one beautiful Saturday
night the doorbell or cell phone rang, and there would be Mr Right! It just
feels like into my head is going to birth such a creepy thought that if Mr
Right wouldn’t come into my life in this lifetime?
This everyday
life of a single parent is quite boring - work, shopping, cooking, cleaning,
laundry. A wonderful thing and a subject of joy is, of course, a child who
brings so much content and happiness to life that I couldn’t even think of
living all alone.
I had to notice
that there have been some men around me, actual quite nice too, who have given
me the understanding that the interest could be found more intimate.
Of course, that
raises self-esteem strangely, it's a nice thing. But, I can’t think of my
interest in any man other than Him. That's the way it is.
From important
things to less important ones. I have applied for another job. I'm going to an
interview next Tuesday. This is more challenging work that I have not done
before. However, I am quite interested in it and I think that it could become
something better with the time.
Tomorrow is
Easter Sunday, so I wish you a very wonderful and peaceful holiday!
Your friend,
Elisabeth
Letter 52 (19
April, 2007)
Hello my friend!
I got that job!
Wonderful! I look forward to the first day, of course, armpits in sweat. However,
this work is a long-term one, as many have today. And it´s very different from
what I've had before, far more challenging. That, too, is a real good thing!
Get you back
later,
Elisabeth
Letter 53 (10
August 2007)
My God,
Today is the
last day of my vacation, and I have enjoyed the most beautiful days of summer –
thank You for that! Our family, I and my son, are actually fine. A balanced
mother-son relationship and a roof over our head. I have a job and my son is
studying. So, the basics are fine. I've been sleeping pretty well. The only
thing that has pressed me at times is He. I can´t get Him out of my heart by
force, even though I tried. What is this equation that you have drawn up for me
to solve? I decided, when I simply didn´t understand it, I leave my love life in
your hands, dear Lord. I let things lock into my life according to what feels
good, following You.
With these
experiences I have found something real valuable. And I wouldn’t trade this
most precious thing in life for anything, ever! It is You, Lord Jesus Christ!
And peace of mind - living in harmony of faith, hope and love. You put me, my
God, on a difficult and hard road. At times, I felt like I was fighting for my
soul with a dragon and a beast. It felt so hopeless!
My Heavenly
Father, I have found a whole new life and beauty through You. Otherwise I would
have been totally broken. I will now continue trusting in You and Your guiding.
I have not sent
any of these letters to anyone. They are deposited in a box that also describes
my life. In that box is the symphony of my life - the dark moles of the storm
and the crystal-clear major in harmony as the Finlandia anthem rises to my
lips. Finlandia. It describes my trauma, my fears, my rise to battle, my love,
my faith, and finally - hope.
Forever Yours,
Elisabeth
Letter 54
(February 24, 2009)
My dear son,
I have kept
these letters for you, so that you understand how important it is to find Jesus
Christ and to follow your heart. And how important is peace of mind. I have
prayed so many times in the evenings all the best and love to your life, and
above all, the protection, just as I ever could. These letters will tell my
story to you and your posterity. Please keep these letters in a safe place or
do whatever you want. Everything depends on you.
There are other
messages I received from you in that box. Wonderful scratches from a little boy
that only You can read again. There are also lyrics and love poems that may
open the gates to your soul and give support and hope to your life.
I love you so
much that I probably can never describe it in words. You are the most wonderful
son in the world - even though you are almost an adult. For me, you’re the same
little baby in wrap I got in the hospital on my armpit. You were a peach cheek beautiful
baby, looking with your dark brown eyes at me, trusting and smiling.
Hopefully now,
after all these letters, you will be able to look at me, your mom, the same way
as you did as a little baby.
With love,
Mum
Letter 55 (August
10, 2021)
Dear Lord Jesus
Christ,
It has been a
very long time since I wrote to You. All kinds of things have happened in my
life and You have strongly been with me, on every step!
I have
experienced the anointing of your Holy Ghost. After having baptized in the Holy
Ghost, it is safe for me to continue my life — strongly with You, Christ Jesus,
and trusting in You!
Thank You God,
Jesus Christ, for your grace and love! I've been an outcast, others to mock,
the crazy wretch and a black sheep. But the sheep nonetheless! Your grace and
goodness are incomprehensible. You pilot me forward so that sometimes I feel
dizzy. You wrap me in your great and gracious love, and I feel the power of Your
hug as great warmth, affection. It is so beautiful that I cry for Your praise.
You, Lord Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, are with me every single day, in my
heart and soul (John 14: 15-17, 23).
I love You,
Lord, and You taught and led me to safety from the great evil. You taught me to
pray the protection of your blood. You also taught me to tie all the burning
arrows of evil and tell You about them all. We talked about and You understood
me when I trusted You and dared to open up about them. You are wonderful and
dear to me, Lord! You also taught me to bind all things that threatened me. I
learned all that knowledge from the Holy Bible, for You are a Wonderful Counselor,
and my Advocate! Jesus, you taught me to be brave and fearless!
My journey has
been painful and long. But You Lord knew I could endure it - With You! You were
with me in the dark and frightening valleys. I trusted you! And when I finally
found out more about You, my soul rejoiced! It rejoices even more, as I sing my
Song of Love to You, Dear Lord! Forever!
You are so lovely!
That is the only word that describes You Lord - perfectly! I will continue my
life with You Jesus, to the gates of Your Kingdom!
Thanking you
with eternal love,
Elisabeth
Epilogue
In the evening the 26th of October 2022, I am sitting at a desk in my bedroom and
thinking about the past decades. How peaceful and calm life is now. And how peacefully I am thinking
about the successes, losses, even life blows I have experienced since my
childhood. I am writing this book, in the form of letters. These letters have a
connection - a white ribbon. From despair to hope. From disbelief to faith.
From insult to forgiveness. From error to truth. From grieve to joy. From
darkness and fear to light and safety of God. It is also my testimony of what
Jesus Christ has done in my life.
God once put me on my knees in the waves of a horrific storm. I am grateful and happy for the grace, security, education, guidance and love that I have received from Him upon me during that time. I survived the burning arrows of evil, the attacks of evil spirits, and the satanic and witch forces that tried to suppress me, even in the past through some other people as well. There really were witches who put spells on me and they must have used maybe some woo-doo to put that horror voice into my stomach long ago. And that beast voice at the alley long ago was made by that witch. That witch was very fond of that man I love, and wanted him to herself. She wanted me to hospital to be "a crazy person". What ever happened, I got salvation through Jesus Christ and His almighty power helped me to keep my sanity.
I have learned to live in a completely new way to get peace of soul by asking Jesus into my heart, into my soul, into my mind, into my spirit and into my body. It has brought serenity, peace, love and blessing into my life, so much.
I've got so much
more! I thank Jesus Christ from all my heart and soul, for all the help,
encouragement, and love He has given me! Without my faith, I would not be
writing here. My life is settled in harmony with Christ
Jesus and I feel especially lucky to have the Holy Ghost of God to guide me
every single day!
I had a lot of
fears during the past 28 years, because I didn´t know how much more I should
have approached Jesus, that is, to read the Holy Bible. From Holy Bible I got
all the answers that were lacking from my life! I will live this day and
forever fully to Jesus! And, I feel sad and disappointed, when there is no more
knowledge in the world, even in the churches, how important it would be to urge
everyone to read the Holy Bible, the Word of God - His instructions how to get
back from here to the Kingdom of God. It has not been told enough to everyone.
I had to be without that knowledge for years, because I did come to faith from "vertical
forest", that is, I didn´t have anybody near me who would have been in
faith in Jesus Christ. I didn´t have any mentors ever, who would have been able
to tell me what to do, how to pray and what to pray and how important it is to
read Holy Bible. Now I know it, after a long walk in darkness.
I pray Jesus, that
in today’s world, all those who seek You Jesus, will receive absolutely the
best, correct and original knowledge of You and the Father. And much faster
than I did. And I know that there is more fresh and apostolic information about
You these days, than before. More and more information is available from
everywhere, including the internet, television, and charismatic churches.
I love Jesus and
Heavenly Father so much that my love has no longer words! There is a compelling
need in my heart to thank, praise, and honor God! I've found the Kingdom of
God, and it is in my heart and in my soul! It is something that no words can
tell. It is loving the heart of Jesus and the Father. It is loving the will of
God’s heart. It is knowing God and God’s unconditional love for me. It is His
consolation when you feel sad. It is His introduction to the truth. It's His security.
It is Holy Love of God.
I still look
forward to true love in my life, and it will come to me if God has seen it to
be so. I understand now more than before, that when I rely to get an answer to my
prayers, then I most certainly will got it. God is not delaying His answer, we
just need to understand that other things have to fall into places, before
that. And sometimes we can’t even influence to those other things, and we can’t
even know about them. The most important thing is to trust in God, because when
I did not previously totally trust in God, I didn´t receive all prayer answers
I needed back long ago.
In addition,
supporting God’s work in every way is dear to me. I also do my day job today
for the Lord, led by Himself. Thank You Jesus, You are my Boss! It is something
I wouldn’t have dared to hope for before!
Over the past
ten years, I have experienced a lot of unification. Jesus healed the rags of my
heart and soul with His love. Jesus has been the only driving and loving force
in my life — He carried me when I didn´t have the power to walk with my my feet. Jesus
continued to believe in me, He helped me without me even recognizing it, until
later. His love and faithfulness is limitless! I started to read more of the Holy
Bible in year 2016 and the Kingdom of God opened up to me - the will of His
heart and God’s incredible loyalty and Holy love for us all, for His children.
God the Father sent me another Defender, the Spirit of Truth. The truth of His
Word keeps me on the right path. He will protect me with His hand and He spreads His wings over me and I will be in safe – it´s peace for me to rest in the
shelter of the Lord!
Today is the
perfect day to smile! I smile to life, I smile to Jesus and the Father - I
smile to love!
With eternal love,
Elisabeth
Dear God,
I think back to
my life,
its gloomy
moments,
feelings of
fear,
and I asked
myself: Why did I endure? Why I didn´t give up?
Until I realized,
that in the
evenings when I went to bed,
I pulled the
blanket over me in my mind
being the wing
of the big safe angel,
so big that it
completely covered me.
So, Lord, I
already understood then
how powerful you
are in all that horror
against I
fought.
Thank you for that
wing you covered and healed me with.
Amen
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